Rough Day..

Today was pretty rough for me. I went to work and worked till about 11:30 and then headed home to get ready for my friend Johns memorial. It was a beautiful service. Everything was just the way I think that he would have wanted it. The only thing that I think that he might have wanted is for all of us to be smoking cigarettes and drinking a cold beer. :) He was always the life of the party and even though he was not physically there today, he was still the life of the party. There is a guy named Adam that we went to school with and he is a great guitar player and a killer singer, he sang 4 or 5 songs that were freaking GREAT! I think that would have made John so damn happy. It is so hard to cope with life when things like this happen. It is almost like I can't be "normal". I don't know when it will pass or go away but I am so worn out and I just need some time to think and get away. I need a little "me time". I have lost loved ones before and it is never easy. I am not sure why I am having such a difficult time with John being gone. I have not been able to sleep and when I do go to sleep I wake up pretty quickly because of a dream or nightmare about him. It is awful. I feel so helpless and when I feel so helpless I feel bad because I think of his Mom, Dad and Sister and know that they feel worse than I do. I know that John would not want me to dwell on this and be so miserable but that is alot easier said than done. I am hopping that the memorial today will give me some closer and just maybe I can get some much needed rest. And I will have to have the help of my close friend XANAX. Haha. I just hope that "my friend" helps me out tonight.
Sorry that I am a depressing blogger lately. I hope that I can get out of this funk and get it all together.
In a funk and not liking it, Ashley